Trying again.
I had a mini revelation today about myself. I was eating french toast with some friends, and they were sharing stories about their childhood (elementary school traumas and the like) and we were all laughing and happiness was dripping in the windows, and then I was asked, “What kind of kid were you in elementary school?”
Dernt.
I was stumped. I could barely summon up any kind of story, let alone give any kind of complete answer about who I was as a child. I think it is common to think of your past self as a completely different person from who you are now. Even when I think about Sophomore Joey, he seems pretty far removed from Junior Joey; and when I think about 3rd Grade Joey, he is so far removed from my consciousness that I hardly believe he existed. It’s as if the few stories I remember from 3rd grade have become this person folk-lore and whether or not the events took place is not the point anymore. I am not sure whether this is usual or not, but think perhaps my disinterest in the past-especially my personal past is unusually apathetic.
This thought has made me realize how little time I spend in the past, and also that this manifests itself in a few ways in my life. The most significant result of my “now-ness” is how poorly I keep in contact with other people. If someone is not geographically close to me, someone I can see often, I often fail to communicate well with them. Obviously, this is a problem, especially with people who are better at remembering what is not right in front of them. My theory is this: everyone is given a set amount of “awareness” and each person is in charge of delegating where they will invest this awareness. Some people invest vast amounts of awareness in the past. Some invest in a future awareness, these are idea people who like improving and inventing. Some people are very outwardly aware-noticing details or subtle undercurrents of social interactions. Still other people are very inwardly aware and know just how they think, and what things trigger their emotions. I think that my awareness is all used up on the inner and outer awareness and therefore am neither looking forward or backward-just around.
It could be that I wanted to write this to just start blogging again, or maybe I really have been thinking about this all day, but I think the most likely option is that I am going to all this trouble to say, “I’m sorry I haven’t talked with you in a while, it’s not that there’s something wrong with you, and it might not even be that there is something terribly wrong with me either, I just suck at keeping up with you.” One other result of always looking around instead of backwards, is that I don’t take time to write down what’s going on with me, either in my blog or in my journal, so I’m trying to turn over a new leaf, but it’s just really heavy.
Also, this band called SHEARWATER is eating my universe right now. [but watch out not very people dig them]
Hey, not to creep or anything, but I stumbled across your blog and I found this post interesting, especially compared to your previous post, in which you reflected the “now-ness” tendency you have.
Also, I spent this summer in Africa and it is so interesting how the culture there is so focused on the past. I think the culture we (assuming you grew up in the states) grew up in is very now and even more future oriented.
But, I like your thoughts on ‘awareness’ and the idea that each person invests their awareness in different places. The economy of awareness…where do we spend it. Interesting. [P.S. I like the 'heavy leaf' part as well ; ) ]